Writing the Real Whumpa-Thumpa

Today The Salton Sea Chronicles features a guest article by local writer Matthew Lee Darringer continuing his theme of writing about what he stumbles over as a writer.

There is a bias in some circles that writing romance for an author is a kin to an actor working on a soap opera, but like the soap opera actor, I am ok with the territory.

In seeking to write romantica, the sub-genre between romance novels and erotica, I have come across publishing houses wanting a specific level of heat, usually on a 5-point scale, but no “industry standard” as to what those levels should be. After reading several scales, this is what I have pieced together:

Level 1: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

At this level, the characters kiss, but once they get the notion to unzip a fly, they go behind closed doors for implied alone time. Calling it “making love” may even be too racy. What in Hell is this? Christian romance writing? Yet, we never hear them call out to God. Rating G. Without any sign of a pulse. No reaction from me below the navel. Boring.

Level 2: OK It’s Happening, But Look the Other Way

Here the folks are making love, still behind closed doors, and we hear only how the sexual act made them feel emotionally after the fact. Talk about taking all the fun out of sex! Let’s have implied sex and then ruminate about how we feel. You mean the answer isn’t “damn good!” as the characters gasp with delight? No! That would be racy. We like our romance Camry boring. Rating G. Too tame. Still no reaction from me below the navel. Boring.

Level 3: You Can Watch, but Don’t Tell Too Much

Now, when our peeps are getting down to business, we are there and we know what is going on, but we avoid being too cinematic with our description because we would not want to be too graphic. Body parts have euphemistic, inoffensive names like “throbbing love gun” and “golder bozos” instead of real names. Forty years ago this would have been considered borderline pornographic I guess. Rating PG13. Less tame. It suddenly dawns on me I have a bodily region below the navel. Mildly interested.

Level 4: Smile For the Camera

Now we are getting somewhere! The sexual relationship goes on full display with nekkid people, more explicit talk, and action that would occur between two people in a sexual relationship. We are less interested in covering how sex makes the characters feel after the fact and more how they feel in the moment. Damn good! Rating R. Not tame. Something is stirring below the navel and I like it. You have my full attention.

Level 5: The Real Whumpa-Thumpa

The clothes are off and probably discarded along the way to the bedroom, things are happening, graphic depiction, woo hoo ride ‘em…Oh sorry. I got carried away. Did you see when…Oops my “gnatlike” attention span is working against me. Is that even legal in this county? Sexual tension, desire, and acting out permeate the storyline. Characters may have no time for emotional examination because they are too busy doing the real whumpa-thumpa all the time! All bets are off. Anything goes. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me. Sorry, mind wandered again. Rating R but just barely. Does not understand the meaning of the word tame. You have my full attention and then some. I think I will remain sitting for a while if you don’t mind. Pay no attention to me. I’ll be thinking of smelly old men in Boca Raton talking about how to remedy their constipation.

I have also discovered in my research that women tend to prefer levels 2-4 for their romance novels, whereas men prefer 4 and 5…well probably only 5, we try to appear less Neanderthal by including 4 in the mix.